By: Chris Delaney

I grew up in a broken home with a younger brother and an older sister. My mother and father divorced when I was very young. My mother had full custody while my dad had bi-weekly visitation rights.

I never connected with my father on an emotional level. He was a good man but appeared to me to be a stranger.

My mother had many emotional problems which contributed to bouts of depression, verbal abuse of the children, and her five short-lived marriages.

I was never a happy child. I always felt like an "outsider", never quite knowing where I fit into the family. I remember long periods of depression simply because I carried a sense of foreboding and hopelessness within, but never knowing why.

Since my mother worked a full time job, I decided at an early age to take on myself the responsibilities of home life. On a daily basis I cleaned the house, washed laundry, and sometimes cooked meals and governed over my siblings.

We were poor, so outside help was out of the question. I felt sorry for my mother because I knew she needed the support at home, and no one else was willing to step up to the plate. To a degree, I gave up parts of my childhood in order to place myself in the role of homemaker while my mother functioned in the role of breadwinner and provider.

Because of the uncertainty of life, I began to build a vast wall designed to protect myself from the continued hurts that my small world offered up. By the end of my youth, I had deep feelings of mistrust, doubts, confusions and great anger.

At the age of 14, I discovered quite by accident that the man whom I identified as "father" actually was not, and that I had carried his last name illegally most of my life. My mother informed me that my biological father had no desire to be part of my life, and this is why she had never told me the truth.

Because of this revelation, hatred began to fester in my heart toward my mother for her lies and toward my father for his abandonment. All I had ever known was transition - growing up with five stepfathers, and being emotionally connected in an unhealthy way with my mother. My life slowly began reeling out of control and I began to turn my feelings of hatred toward my parents inward through destructive behaviors toward my body.

I had always been an overweight child and teen, so I began to starve myself. Standing 5'6" tall, I went from weighing 185 pounds to 98 pounds in a matter of three or four months. In a sense, through my starvation I was controlling my life and destiny. The malnutrition not only turned into a vicious cycle of abuse against my body but my mind as well. I would look into a mirror and see an ugly, fat person.

I then began to abuse myself verbally, putting myself down in words and in thoughts. Why did my father abandon me? Why was I not good enough for him to love me? Why was I not able to fully accept my mother's love without the fear of rejection? Why did I feel as if I were in second or third running with my mother's husbands or boyfriends? You are ugly and worthless!

Once the truth of my paternity had been exposed, I set out to discover my natural father's identity. After some investigation, I discovered where he lived and wrote him a letter. I really never expected a response. Several weeks later, I received a telephone call from my biological father's wife. She talked with me for a long time and then asked if I would be interested in visiting for a couple of weeks.

I was excited and scared about meeting my father, but because of my insecurities and lack of information about him I felt extremely intimidated. For the most part, I was not able to see myself as a man. I had no idea how to relate in a healthy way to another man. Instead I had lived my life craving the attentions of men because of my own lack of male affirmation.

I became very close to my father's wife and grew to love my stepmother very much. But my father informed me soon after my arrival that he did not believe I was his son. He told me that my mother had not been faithful to him. Yet my mother continued to tell me that he was my biological father. There was a constant pull back and forth between their stories.

I lived with my father for about a year. Not only did I have my own resentments to deal with, I could sense my father's as well. On one occasion, my father placed his hands on the sides of my face in anger and forced his mouth to make contact with mine. He then pushed me away and said, "I'm giving you everything you ever wanted in a father!" This assault not only instilled fear in me but also awakened a sexual desire toward my father.

Another incident took place when we were alone together. He was sitting in the den sipping an alcoholic drink which he had hidden in the fireplace stove. What began as a friendly conversation turned into an overtly sexualized wrestling match. His gentle petting turned into forceful actions resulting in his attempt to tear off my pants.

As his strength increased I began to grow more fearful. Though scared, I began to fight back. I could feel his hands snaking down the front of my pants, groping for my genitalia. As my fight grew stronger, he decided to back away and eventually retreated to his bedroom. Nothing was ever said again concerning this incident.

These incidents with my father helped push me toward the homosexual lifestyle because it further awakened my sexual desires for other men. I contemplated having an affair with my father. He was physically attractive and I greatly desired his affections. But I quickly decided against it due to my close relationship with his wife. When my father told me that he had always considered his son (my half brother and the son who had been with him since birth) his only male child, I sensed the last lingering hope die inside me for a "father and son" relationship .

I decided at 16 years old to return home to live with my mother. Once home, I entered the homosexual lifestyle. I had always longed for friendships with other men, but deep down inside, I felt unable to relate to them in a normal way.

The homosexual lifestyle offered hope and acceptance for me that I was unable to find with my mother or father. I quickly became addicted to the fast-paced bar scene of the gay lifestyle. I finally found a group of people that accepted me unconditionally, the homosexual community. As I became more exposed to the gay life, I began to participate in all forms of perverted sexual activity.

The alcohol I regularly ingested helped numb the pain, but I still had feelings of guilt when I was sexually active with other men. My guilt told me that I was causing great harm to my body and emotional stability. I finally reached the end of my rope physically and emotionally. Earlier, three friends from the homosexual lifestyle gave their lives to Christ, and one of the friends began to witness to me. After a few days of soul searching, I decided to accept the free gift of salvation that God was offering. John 1:19 says: "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

At the moment I placed my faith in Christ, I was delivered from the anorexia and bulimia that I had struggled with throughout my teens and early adult years. The homosexual tendencies though did not subside immediately. My sexual desires began to change as I grew as a Christian.

Through my journey of inner healing, the Lord has been faithful. He has exposed painful areas of my life which needed His gentle touch. One such area is repressed memories of repeated childhood sexual abuse. Another is the revelation that my biological father impregnated my mother (with me) with plans to divorce her and leave her with his child to raise. He intended this as revenge for her unfaithfulness during their marriage, resulting in a child that was not his.

Emotional healing is an ongoing process. It requires walking in the image of our Heavenly Father and becoming more like His precious Son on a daily basis.

It has been several years since my initial conversion. The Lord is continuing a work in my life. Philippians 1:6 says: "He who has begun a good work in you will complete it, until the day of Jesus Christ." Christ has begun tearing down the walls of protection that I had constructed. He is establishing an identity which is becoming more secure in Him day by day. Praise the Lord for His mercy!